you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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