dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's shark week go big or go home
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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