my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
