i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
