he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
