dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
