just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
