i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
