I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
