My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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