just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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