I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
