So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
