Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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