y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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