you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
