I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
