I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
