On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize