alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
