why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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