U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
