Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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