I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
