when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
