u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
