what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
