He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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