you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
