Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
