The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
