I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
