matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
