Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
