shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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