getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
