Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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