i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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