My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
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