Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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