I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
