Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
