My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
