i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
