Im at strip club and am horny
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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