I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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