just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
