There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
