After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
