I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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