this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I think my fart just growled at me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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