Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
